Create or disintegrate.
Every Friday I drive this old truck to work, it's a slow 30 mile drive along interstate 10. Often times I never go faster than 65mph as the old 272ci engine powering this old faithful Ford is tired, gives me time to reflect, study, think and on the rare occasion dream. If anyone knows me they know I have this seemingly never ending internal battle as if I appear to be working through some sorta struggle. Some have gone so far as to label me "intense, always switched on and unable to rest". Truth is - my battle is with forgiveness or should I say the inability to forgive myself. I've made all the standard mistakes life has to offer but it's the ones, some small and some not so small that consume me. All consuming thoughts of why I didn't use different words when speaking to my sons, that client at work or writing that thank you card. These funny little thoughts are not always so simple, most of my internal dialogue is much heavier and certainly complex by any standard. I don't give myself credit much, even when I should. The point I'd like to make is nobody can make us think something we don't want to think, our thoughts are our own and so is our responses to them. As I know I'm really no different than most and life has truly blessed me and my family I have no real explanation for the "intense" man I am. But what I admire most is the people I meet through life that are incredibly inspired, happy and able to quiet those little internal dialogues. It's to those people I have the highest level of respect. Today I've made a commitment to myself to create outward happiness and no longer disintegrate internally -through forgiveness.
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